Reprogramming Your Thoughts to Heal Your Heartbreak
This one goes out to all the broken hearts on the mend.
For as long as I can remember, I've written dramatic poetry about love and boys I've had feelings for. They've either been unrequited "love" poems, love lost poems, the loss of potential love poems, or general "when the fuck is my love going to get here?" poems (all different, I tell you!).
These couple of lines (above) came to me during my latest heartbreak. They're not brilliantly poetic (I'm no fucking @rupikaur_, ok?), but maybe you can relate.
During the beginning stages of a breakup, our fragile hearts are trying to make sense of the situation: Why and how did this happen? How can this be happening to ME? We ruminate and re-play a million scenes and conversations in our head. We hold on to the relationship in any way we can because the pain of moving on is too excruciating.
It's a fascinating dichotomy: holding onto the relationship and the pain because once we release it, it means we've moved on and it's officially over. But also wanting desperately to be on the other side of the pain to no longer feel it.
You'd think we'd want to get past the pain as soon as possible, but our hearts are stubborn AF.
So... we suffer.
Yes, there are things you won't get to do with this person. Things you once loved to do with them. New experiences you'd hoped to have with them. The memories sting, and the loss of the projected fantasies stings possibly even more.
And, yes. There will be words you'll want to tell this person. Words that you were used to telling them. New stories that you wish you could share with them. Maybe even moments when you forget that you can no longer share them because it had become second nature (God, those are the worst). He/she was the first person you wanted to share your triumphs and sorrows with, and now that's not an option.
The pain of these realizations is heart-wrenching. I know all too well.
But what if I told you there was a way to more quickly move on from this pain?
What if we reframed these two simple lines? What if they became, "All the things I'll get to do with someone new?" and "All the conversations I'll get to have with someone even better for me?"
I know it sounds lame AF and you're like, "Christie, that doesn't work." and it won't immediately but here's the thing: we can literally reprogram our brains (and at any age mind you...how fucking cool is that?). Over time and after many recitations, you will more strongly believe that these reframed statements are true. Guaranteed. And you will genuinely be excited for your future with your new boo.
The relationship ended for a reason. Although it may take some time to be okay with the idea, you will meet someone new and he/she will stick around for the long haul. You didn't miss out on your person, I promise you. There will be other people you vibe with and if the timing and all else is right, it will work.
Grieve. It's natural and necessary. Feel your feelings. But know that you have so many experiences and exchanges to look forward to. The experiences and words you can no longer share with the person you've lost will eventually be transferred to a new love. An even stronger love.
It's hard to believe, but we really do have a choice to remain in the past with our thoughts to prolong the suffering, or to be psyched about all that is to come.
So psych yourself out, ladies and gents. It's going to be magical.